The Room

[Jay Markanich]

Saturday morning I flew from Washington DC to Utah to visit Grand Boy.

My return was Sunday afternoon, so it was a quick trip.

Where the kid keeps coming up with the Redskin paraphernalia I don't know, but I think he looks good in the colors!

However, because of the shortness of the trip, all I had was a small overnight bag.

Going out was no problem.  I don't do the super-duper X-ray because I avoid X-rays and don't think anyone knows, despite the best gubment research and statements, what kind of dose that machine gives people.

So, refusing the X-ray requires THE PAT DOWN.

THE PAT DOWN requires THE BLUE RUBBER GLOVES!

Well, if some TSA guy wants to feel me up and down and get jealous, who am I?

Despite very serious interest in my knee brace, which apparently nobody has ever seen before (!), my intimacy with the agent was uneventful.

Coming home however was a different story!

After wiping the gloves all over you and your clothing, they wipe the gloves with 2x2" cotton pads and "test" them for what ever.

After the cotton pad test, the agent comes to me and says, "Sir, you have tested positive for explosives.  We will need you to step into THE ROOM."  THE ROOM is off to the side, all opaque, bullet proof glass, and already waiting for me are two more TSA agents, each pulling on their own special gloves.

Wow, it's a cluster PAT DOWN!  So to speak...  And the door is closed.  Intimate privacy you know.

My new special friend says, "Sir, I will be giving you the same PAT DOWN you had out there, except this time I will be using only the palms of my hands."

"And I hope you have a good time!" I said, yes, really saying that.

At one point, I thought he was going to say, "Cough."  But he didn't.  Any women reading this might not understand that...

Meanwhile, the other two agents are going through everything in my bag, wiping the cotton pads all over each content, clothing or otherwise.  By the time they are done, they have used 18 or 20 pads!

The gloves and all those pads are re-tested, with NO RESULTS!  Of course not.  And I was free to go, after getting redressed and repacked...  Well, I don't want the rest of the airport getting jealous either.

What do I think?  Here is a guy with a small bag, and in 24 hours flying out of Washington DC's Dulles Airport and returning to Dulles Airport.  That's where TSA Headquarters is.  He is alone, minimal belongings, a knee brace and small things stuffed into each pocket of the bag and my coat.  Everything was examined.  There were lots of questions.  They were very thorough.

I THINK THEY THOUGHT I WAS A TEST!  Kind of like a secret shopper at the store.  Those people who come in and buy a pair of socks, asking lots of questions and seeing how competent, helpful and friendly the store employees are.  And while I had nothing that I was trying to "slip" by security, as you hear happening on the news now and again, I was a half hour of fun for three TSA agents!

The three smiles as I left said it all.  I think I made their day.  We were, after all, very close.

I did get some raised eyebrows as I left though.  With a wave I said, "See you again, boys."  Gotta keep'em guessing!

[David Macy]

To bad the pat down was not done by a female. With all that touching going on.

The grand kid is getting big. Looks good as a Skin!!

Thanks for sharing.

I am OK with how they do they pat downs as there is always that chance of a terorist.

[Dominic Maricic]

Sounds like a fun day at the airport Jay!!

[Jay Markanich]

It's a bummer they don't do cross-gender examinations!   

Just the funnest time Dom.  They couldn't keep their hands off me.  Not sure what that means...

[Dominic Maricic]

Just means your a handsome old guy and they like you!

[Stephen Stanczyk]

The swabs are for nitrates that are used in explosives.  Problem is, it is also used in fertilizers.  So here is a lesson.  If you golf or play baseball, be prepared for a positive test.  It could be on your pants, shoes or if you have handled a sports bag that was left on the grass.

It is real tough when traveling with a baseball team to tournaments.  The whole team usually tests positive.

[Jay Markanich]

That's what they told me Stephen.  They also asked me if I was taking heart medicine (nitroglycerine). 

I got into a discussion with them about how they are profiling.  They disagreed with me until I said that they are profiling "stuff."  And that a year after whatever "stuff" becomes a problem!  I said they can't profile enough stuff, sooner or later something will get through, they will have a problem, and then what are they going to do, strip search everybody!?  After I was done they agreed with me!

They wasted a half hour of my time and almost made me late for my flight!

[Casey Patten]

But did you educate them?    Of course...will that change how they do things?  Of course not! 

[Jay Markanich]

It will not change, Casey, because what they are doing is not about safety.  It is about control.  They want us in the pattern of accepting more and more intrusion.  This stuff will extend to trains, buses and eventually subways.  Again, it is about control.

The Founding Fathers revolted at much, much less than what we deal with on a regular basis.  They would NEVER have put these "security" measures in place.  I think they would have done it like Israel does it.

[Casey Patten]

Nuff said...couldn't agree more...